Christmas time again

As I sit by the Christmas tree typing this post I wonder. Wonder about a Christmas with children filled with so much joy and laughter. I wonder about when it will happen or if it will happen...how many more Christmases will go by without Santa coming to our house? It's no secret that this is my favorite time of year. I love decorating my house, planning holiday performances for my students, hot chocolate and cookies (although year gluten free and I warm up dark chocolate almond milk for the hot chocolate lol), cooler weather, and preparing for the birth of Chirst...starting a new year. So many wonderful things to be excited about. But for some reason this season also serves as a reminder of all the years we'd hope we would have a child to share it all with. It's astounding to me how many years have gone by like this. When I think about it though, I really do try to remember the part of Christmas that represents hope for us Christians. There are times when I feel so spirit filled and I don't care about what is happening in my life because I know Jesus is walking along side me through it all and all I pray for is to help me do His will...fulfill the purpose He has for my life. So I have these strong faith based feelings but then during certain times I revert back to the sad feelings. I guess that's part of being human, right? These conflicting feelings inside really had me confused...for example, am I being fake to myself when I think I'm trusting in God because obviously I still have strong feelings and an emptiness when it comes to having children? I spoke to a priest about this and what he said really made sense to me. He said you know you've worked through something or completely trust God when you feel 100% joy and peace about your situations and life because your hope and faith is in Him...you know that He knows better and true happiness in life is surrendering it to Him. Wow! That's what the saints do. Clearly I have a lot of work to do. We all do. I'm not at that point yet...not at 100%. I am grateful for the spirit filled moments where I experience that kind of joy and peace but there are definitely moments (like certain points during Advent and Christmas) when my frustrated and sad feelings come out. My goal right now is to continue to work towards one day being with God in heaven...having more moments of true peace and joy and less of the frustrated ones. I have to give myself time, probably a lifetime, to get to that 100%. I've fooled myself into believing that you have to be one way or the other...I would get upset with myself when I would lose some of that joy and peace. I'm definitely not at 100% so I have to be able to pray and ask God for help through the harder times and as I said before be grateful for the times that I do feel that peace and hopefully those moments will become more frequent. Well, I didn't think my post would take this direction but I'm glad I was able to put my thoughts somewhat together :) 

On a lighter note, I had such a fun filled weekend! I accomplished so many physical activities that I've not been able to do since my surgeries such as running a race, a 19 mile bike ride through downtown Miami, and running what Miami people call Goliath (aka the Rickenbacker Causeway). The last one (Goliath) I actually had never done even before the surgery. It was a 6 mile run and about a mile of it is up and down the highest peak we have in this city. Although I don't think I lost any weight this weekend from all the eating we did, I feel so motivated again! Conquering these obstacles is such a metaphor for life. Besides the physical activities, I greatly enjoyed decorating the house (it looks so cosy and magical this time of year). We were also able to have a pretty sane thanksgiving with both sides of the family (no major drama). I really enjoyed the cooler weather we got on Thursday...we took the dogs to the park that day and it just so pleasant. We saw the movie, Frozen, which I really enjoyed (loved the song Let it Go...very symbolic for where I am in my life). I also got to see one of my students perform in a musical that I helped her audition for...I was so proud and she was just so happy to see me there...beautiful experience...made my heart melt. Later that night we had David's aunt's 60th birthday party. It was a formal affair so it was fun to get all nice and dressed up for it. We really don't get a lot of those opportunities for fancy parties lol! Then we ended the weekend with hot chocolate and cookies by the fireplace. Looking forward to the rest of the Christmas season...so many wonderful activities yet to come :) 

Nature

I've come to realize that I do very well in nature. I feel so close to God when I'm immersed in His magnificent creation. I feel so peaceful, relaxed as if time stops for that time. Where I live, I only have the Everglades (which is swamp land) and we have the beach. I live pretty west so it takes me about 40 mins to get to the beach. It's always been such a production to go. Recently I had been having some sleep issues and I was told to go to the beach and get in the water. I was desperate so I was willing to try anything. I had never been to the beach by myself so I had mixed feelings about it. I ended up going one day after the gym and it was just so good for me. I absolutely loved it and I slept that night and every night since. So now I try to come every so often before work when I'm feeling anxious, frustrated, or overwhelmed. I come and I pray and just listen to and watch the waves, take a short walk...take a break from the craziness of my life. Take a break from thinking about everything that stresses me, the medications, the appointments, the disappointment every cycle, my business, paying bills, etc. Whether it is the ocean, a meadow, in the mountains, or in a nice green park with big beautiful trees...I find the best medicine is to just be in nature. 

So today I had my nice quiet time at the beach but I also had some adventure!! I wish I could have taken pictures but my friend came by an hour after I got to the beach and brought her surfboard and we went surfing!! I really wasn't planning on getting in the water today but I figured "you only live once!". The last time I surfed with 8 years ago! I had a blast! I love a little impromptu adventure. I was able to concentrate solely on getting on that wave and standing up on that board. Again, I forgot about everything else going on in my life for a moment and just enjoyed the opportunity God provided me with :)

Life theme songs

I find it so amazing how music is such an important part of my life. I usually go through so many theme songs with different events or stages in my life. Listening to songs from certain stages of my life puts me back emotionally to where I was when I used to listen them. I heard the other day the song my husband and I danced to on our wedding day and I can feel what I felt that marvelous day...I remember how while there were 250 other people in the room, I remember looking into my husband's eyes and seeing so much love and it felt like it was only the two of us in the room. It was a moment we were both waiting for a long time. I think of my cousin, Katie, every time I hear the song "I Believe" by Blessed Union of Souls because during her entire trip to visit me back in 2001 we were obsessed with that song and I can remember how I felt when David was driving me home after an intense hour long good bye with her and crying in the car listening to the song. It's bittersweet because I have amazing memories with that song but also I can feel what I felt that day saying good bye...not knowing when I'd see her again (which ended up being for my wedding 5 years later). Those are two of many examples of songs that bring me back to certain places in my life. I had a great uncle that developed Alzheimer's when I was about 7. It was sad because he was such a fun loving kind of guy...always the life of the party. Anyways, I remember he was at my parent's house one Christmas maybe 8 years ago and by this time he was barely functioning. He barely knew how to speak. Well my grandmother asked me to play an old Cuban song on the piano, La Comparsa. My grandmother told me that back when they all lived in Cuba all her brothers and sisters and cousins would get together and listen to one of their cousins play the piano (they would have so much fun singing along) and La Comparsa was one of their favorites when she played it (very difficult piano piece). So that Christmas I played it and my great uncle became so emotional when I played it. He had no memory, couldn't speak but the music sparked something in him which left the whole family in tears. It goes to show how music is not just a memory but it touches you to the soul. It sparks feelings so deep and for me can express my deepest emotions. So I was just contemplating that as I was listening to my song for "right now" in my life. It's called Sovereign by Chris Tomlin. It's exactly what I need to hear and pray a lot these days. Here's the link if you want to listen:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gk_HBla7C28

Still no sleep

I've had a rough couple days of no sleep. I'm not exactly sure why I'm so anxious. I have so much to be thankful for. My marriage is doing much better, I have great people in my life, and I have a job I like and a roof over my head, food to eat, etc. So what's bugging me? I know I've been struggling with feeling God close to me. I've realized that I haven't established a personal relationship with Him. I've been reading and learning and I understand about having faith, hope, and love and what it means but have I been putting it into practice? I want God to be my best friend, my father. I want a mutual relationship. I want to live my life according to His will. But I think so far I've done it on my terms and I have not allowed the Holy Spirit to move and work in me. It takes letting go and allowing myself to guided through prayer. I have to will myself to drop everything and follow my Heavenly Father, but I have to be able to let go of control and allow God to be God for me. Control is something hard for me to let go of. Having control is how I have gotten through life. I grew up in a home where I couldn't trust the people who were suppose to love me most and I got through it by maintaining control of my life. Taking care of myself and not 100% relying on people or God. I think I need to read more from God's word (the bible), and start with baby steps. First step is realizing that God's love is perfect and is the only love that will never let me down. I know I've realized that already, however, I need to believe it with my whole heart. I've been working on changing my negative thoughts to biblical thoughts. I've already seen a huge change in me. My mindset has changed to the point that materialistic things don't bother me anymore. Things of this world don't even bother me. If I lose my job or we have to sell our house or whatever it is that is going wrong I know that God is with me and will give me what I need to get through all those situations. One way or another they work out. That is already a huge change for me and a lot of peace in my heart as a result. But have I trusted God with my heart? Have I truly given my life and heart to Him? I'm working on it but I would be dishonest if I said my past has not influenced a lack of trust. It's time to let go of all of it because I can trust God. Even when I don't feel him near, He is always with me. 

Besides that, I have no idea what is causing my anxiety...I feel that I need to just live life from a place of hope and being ok with feeling discomfort knowing that God will not abandon me and He sees what I don't see. 

My friend sent me an email today from one of her devotionals where some of the info made sense to me:

“Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him.” (Psalm 37:7a GW)

One of the reasons people struggle with contentment is because we’re always looking for explanations for why things happen in our lives. God doesn’t tell us why most of the things happen in our lives, and that just ticks us off. Why doesn’t God tell you why everything happens in your life?

Because he’s testing you. He’s testing you to see if you will let go of control and learn to be content, whether he explains it or not.

God doesn’t owe you an explanation for anything, and you wouldn’t understand it even if he gave it.

But even if you did get an explanation, it still wouldn’t take away the pain. You’re not going to know why most things happen until you get on the other side of death.

God isn’t going to give you an explanation. But he will test you.

I remember when I was a little kid that the only time our classroom in school was quiet was during a test. The teacher would say, “No talking! Take your pencils, and fill out your tests.” Even the teacher would be silent.

When God is silent in your life, you’re going through a test. When you don’t hear God and he feels like a million miles away, that is a test! The teacher is always silent when the students take a test. When God is silent in your life, your faith is being tested. Will you let go of control, or will you grab on more tightly? Will you learn to be content?

When you’re going through pain this next week or next month or this year, you don’t really need God’s explanation. You need God’s presence.

“Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him” (Psalm 37:7a GW).

Talk It Over

What are you angry with God about that you don’t want to admit?

In what way is God testing you right now? How will you respond?

Not a sprint but a marathon

So I've started to change my diet towards the anti inflammation diet. I've been able to do the gluten free part, take out processed foods with any unnatural ingredient, I've cut my diary down to only pure organic and hormone free cheese blocks, I've tried to avoid trans fat, and changed cooking oil from olive oil to coconut oil. While I do need to improve still on some of those changes, I feel like I'm getting the hang of it. Now the number 1 thing the books say to cut is sugar and refined starch. That has been challenging. The way I'm choosing to look at this is that changing my diet as a lifestyle change is not a sprint but marathon.  I work really well when I set rules or goals for myself so here are my rules for this week:

Rule 1:

So this week my goal is to limit my daily sugar intake to one food item with sugar a day. My daily usuals are dark chocolate almond milk, having a piece of dark chocolate, frozen yogurt, or a gluten free cookie. So ths week I can't have them allin one day...one serving of one sugar containing item a day.  Eventually I want to limit it to once or twice a week. 

Rule 2:

I need to lower my carb intake for weight loss purposes. Ever since starting the life style change I've eaten carbs like gluten free pasta or rice. The last two weeks I've cut my carbs to only lunch and no carbs at night. It worked out ok but this week I'd like to limit my calorie/carb spike to one meal a week (not a weekend marathon lol). 

Rule 3:

Exercise daily! Even if it's something small...do something everyday.

So let's see how this works out this week! 

Last night

So I had an amazing weekend. I got to do what I love to do...sing and not just sing anywhere but sing at my favorite place...church. I got to stay with a great friend and have some amazing conversations, I ran a mile and a half for the first time since my surgeries (to think I used to run half marathons) which reminds me how awesome it is to have support. The most I've been able to run is a mile straight and that was only during times that I had a lot on my mind. But running with a friend and having that motivation and support helped me exceed my goal of running a half mile and pushed me to new limits. I think today is going to have to be a yoga day on my ipad  for exercise because last night I just couldn't sleep. I'm exhausted. I did actually fall asleep around 5am so that's actually a good thing. A few years ago I used to have major problems with anxiety (especially at night) and I just wouldn't be able to sleep. I get this feeling in my stomach and no matter how tired I am that little anxiety feeling in my stomach does not let me sleep. It is so frustrating and then I get so disappointed with myself that I allowed myself to get so anxious. I start to feel like I'm moving backwards. I've come so far with dealing with my issues and when this happens I feel like such a failure. Usually I can just pray myself to sleep. I'll tell myself to not worry about tomorrow or the future that it will take of itself. I thought my trust in God was better than what I displayed last night. It reminded me of some of the conversations I had with my friend this past weekend. When I'm anxious, it's usually a result of some type of fear or lack of control. Sometimes I do find it harder some days than others to not worry and have all the answers to life. I want to have that peace from truly being able to leave myself in God's hands. Trust in His perfect love for me. Trust that what He's told me is true...that He will never abandon me; don't try to make sense of things right now...just know that He will never abandon me. Sometimes I let my thoughts take control of me and last night I felt that finding my way back to sleep was very difficult. I felt like I wanted answers from God and I wanted to be able to place things in perfect order in my head...I wanted control. I wanted to how, when, why. I honestly think that my biggest problem is that I try to control the faith that I have instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to move within me. I have to not think so much and let go of the control. I grow and take my greatest strides when I let go and not worry about how I'm going to get there...just peace knowing the Holy Spirit will guide me there. The only way I was able to get myself to sleep was to constantly pray to God "I don't know how to fix this...give me the grace to stop feeling anxious and get through this night...help me still my mind and find rest in you". I would pray that and the feeling in my tummy would go away and maybe a couple minutes later return and had to pray that all over again. I finally did get to sleep but it took me praying that over and over for a long time. So what have I learned? That I need to be gentle with myself. That I don't need to know all the answers or how I'm going to get to that place of peace I want to be. I'm human and I get anxiety sometimes. If I look back I can already see so much growth that has taken place and I have no idea how I got here but I know I have to keep on going and when I fall just get back up again and keep going. When I really think about it, I can find good in every aspect of my life. I'm so blessed. I have so much goodness in my life and gifts from God which makes it easier to get back up again and keep going. I'm still somewhat anxious but I'm hoping if I let go and allow the Holy Spirit to guide me, that it will start to fade. 

Random thoughts...

 Sometimes I feel like climbing to the highest mountain top I can find (I may have to leave Florida for that) and shouting to God "I'M READY!! What else do I have to go through for me to have a baby?!!" It's a daily struggle to turn to God and trust that He has my back. So I pray and tell Him to give me the grace to get through this day. Instantly I start feeling blessed and grateful. I think about the fact that He and our Blessed Mother brought my husband and I together, that God blessed us with our first child. She was an ectopic but the pressure is off. To most people it would seem like my family is a family of 2 but in reality we are a family of 6 including our doggies. There's God, David, me, Adrienne, and my pups. Life goes by in a flash but one day (hopefully a long while from now) we will all be together in heaven as a family. I have a family and I hope that it only continues to grow because I want a big family and I hope that I can have children with me in this world as well. There's a sense of peace knowing that Adrienne is a saint a heaven with our Heavenly Father...isn't that where we all want to be one day? There's a peace knowing that she didn't have to suffer in this world. I would have done anything to have her with me right now but that's not my choice. Now more than ever I've come to the realization that God has a purpose for us. As long as I'm alive there is a purpose for me. I can lose everything and everyone in my life but as long as I'm alive God has a purpose and will for me. We also have free will so we have a choice to follow God's will or reject it. We are all made in the image and likeness of God...all of us...and we all have choices in life. I've also realized recently there is evil in this world and it's important to not live in denial about that. Evil wants to push us away from God. I believe that if God literally brought my husband and I together that there must be a godly purpose for us. Evil wants us apart...evil is creating obstacles. But what evil doesn't seem to understand is that the more we conquer those trials and obstacles the stronger we get and the closer to God we become. It's not easy and sometimes we do fall but when surpass our trials we grow closer to God and grow as human beings. We learn. God has a purpose for us. I'm not sure what it is...it could be something simple in our eyes or it could be something huge. Maybe if it is revealed later that we are meant to children that those children have a significant purpose? I don't know yet what it is but I do know that Jesus told me not to try to make sense of things...just know that He's always with me and not going to abandon me. I know that I can say that some of my greatest trials in life have also been some of my greatest gifts. I've said this before but I would be a very different person right now if I would have gotten pregnant 6 years ago. I've grown so much and I have a much deeper faith that will hopefully continue to grow. I do feel stuck right now in my life and it's a daily struggle to let go that void in my heart and give to God. Sometimes my prayers are profound and I feel so spiritual and sometimes I have blah moments where I complain and ask God how much longer, what else do I have to do, I feel like my life is on pause...waiting.... and that's when it all comes full circle and I have to pray for grace to get through.

 I think sometimes we have to learn to live our lives with the discomfort instead of hiding it or pushing it aside. It is a discomfort for me to go month after month again without getting pregnant. Taking tons of medications, getting sick, watching so many people having families, and then my period comes (one of the most consistent things in my life...never ceases to come). I don't know when or how this will all turn out and I have little control of when and if I do get pregnant one day so this is a discomfort in my life that I have to be ok with living with for now. I have to trust that God is with me and continue to live  my life with that discomfort and feel that it's ok. It's ok. Remind myself of so many blessings in my life and be ok. On a smaller scale it's just like losing weight...for some odd reason after each surgery I gained 10 pounds and can't lose them for the life of me. It's frustrating and I feel uncomfortable with the way I look and feel but I'm trying my best to be healthy and I have to be ok with that discomfort for now until the weight starts to come off.

I have no idea if this made sense to anyone. But these are my thoughts and sometimes we have random thoughts and those thoughts lead to other thoughts, etc. I'm sure there's something good in here even if it is random!

Prayer to Our Lady of La Leche

Just a nice story today of how we continue to see God's love for us through our fertility journey. 

So today my husband calls me and tells me that about a month ago his aunt told him that a lady from her work told her that her daughter couldn't get pregnant and was told to go to this Shrine in Saint Augustine for Our of La Leche. I've never heard of this but my husband say she's been to that church as a child. David's aunt told him that her coworker's daughter went with her husband and said a rosary and prayed the prayer on the back of the prayer card...they got pregnant soon after. Fast forward back to today...David said that his aunt drove 6 hours out of her way to Saint Augustine this past weekend to pray the rosary on our behalf in the church. She gave us the prayer card and the rosary she used to pray for us. 

I thought that was just so beautiful and selfless of his aunt to do that for us. I would have had no problem taking a little trip one weekend to Saint Augustine and done the prayer myself and I probably will. However, I think it is impacting when someone else prays for you...when someone else goes out of there way like that for another. That's the kind of love God wants us to have for each other and I just want to say right now that I'm so thankful for the amount of love, prayer, and support given to us from our amazing friends and family. It touches my heart in a special way and gives us the strength to keep going.  It becomes a cycle where we feel so much love and hope for us that it overflows to others.  I know that every prayer said for us is heard and I know that He is in the process of answering our prayers...we just have to wait for His timing. 

Acting as if

My husband and I have read a lot of fertility articles and have gotten some advice about getting more in the right mind frame for conceiving. Over the last year we've been getting the message to "act as if". Act as if it is going to happen...get the house ready...make our lives ready to one day have a baby. To me, nothing beats the power of prayer and having complete confidence in God's will for my life. We've started implementing this principle mainly to give us a more positive outlook on the situation. We've had complete trust in God but sometimes we do have negative thoughts that maybe it's not God's will for us and that makes us sad and depressed. We are determined to follow His will and have faith that He knows better than us but I want my thoughts to be positive and not stressed to give us the best chance possible now. Basically we have the next year or so to try after having gone through all the surgeries and medications with Pope Paul VI Institute. We are starting fresh and I don't want the last 6 years of trying with no success to give us a negative mind set. We are starting fresh. So there comes a point that we need to decide to let go of the past and give these next one to two years our best shot. We are going to think as if it will happen...so in the mean time we will be getting ready. We cleared a shelf in the closet of the potential baby room and put some stuff I had bought 6 years ago when I thought we would get pregnant faster. We have always wanted to change our glass coffee table to an ottoman that would be safer for kids so we saved up and bought it. We have a family style car and a nice house with plenty of space to fill with our children. I have my amazon wish list filled with books on parenting. I have reduced my work schedule over the years because I want to be able to be a stay at home mom when I have my baby. I'm opening my life to the possibility. It's been exciting preparing like this. I get the point of acting as if. I think ideally it would be great to think it's going to happen for the a while and worry about if it doesn't happen later on. I have to admit though sometimes it's hard to have an empty house, a big car with no kids to fill it, etc. It's a challenge but whenever I think negatively I try to pray and find peace through prayer...then after that I try to put my thoughts back to the positive light. So for now I'm going to keep acting as if and wait to worry about if it doesn't happen later. I'm going to be grateful for all the blessings I have right now in my life. Enjoy it for what it is at the moment. As long as I'm alive, God has a purpose for me for that day and that's all that matters. Today is a day that The Lord has made so I will rejoice and be glad :) We can always make changes to our lives at a later point. Keep us your prayers! 

Tag

So my friend, Jen, tagged me in a post so I'm going to attempt to try this: 

Rules:
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a pic of yourself and then write 11 things about you/your life.
3. Answer the questions for you set in the original post.
4. Create 11 new questions and tagged people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/Twitter to tell them you tagged them.

11 things about myself:

1. I'm a church singing, voice and piano teaching, song writing kind of girl.

2. I love being a wife and hopefully one day a mother of many children. I feel it's my purpose in life before any career.

3. I'm always up for an adventure

4. Although I'm very adventurous, I do have a fear of bees and spiders.

5. I love a nice, relaxing bath at the end of the day.

6. I love to travel to see places but I love traveling to make memories with people I care about and love that live out of town just a little more.

7. I see life differently than I used to...my goal for life is to follow God's will for me, to live simply and humbly. 

8. I live with "to do" lists and writing things down.

9. I love to read...read to learn, read to grow, and read for fun!

10. I really enjoy cooking and finding healthy versions of foods I like.

11. I really enjoy shopping but I really love getting everything on sale or with a coupon. 

Jen's questions:

1. If you could go to ANY country RIGHT NOW, where would you go? Easy...Greece!! 
2. Are you a toilet paper up or down kinda person? Creighton model says front to back
3. Fave Catholic speaker? I don't have one :( 
4. Do you like Facebook or Twitter better? Haven't gotten into Twitter so I really can't judge but I use Facebook.
5. What is one or two pieces of jewelry you wear everyday? My wedding rings and my grandmother's ring from the 1920s
6. Describe your perfect sandwich. Love me a good burger
7. Would you rather drive, fly or take a train somewhere? Fly
8. Beach or snow? Hard because I love both but I guess beach a little more than snow
9. Fave thing about your home? My bathroom and backyard
10. What do you think about tattoos? Would you get one? Don't like them...don't have one
11. If you were going to go out with your girlfriends... what would you want to do?  Dinner? Drinks? Dancing? I don't care where we'd hang out or what we do I feel like you can have fun no matter what we do...but dinner, drinks, dancing was pretty fun!

My questions:

1. Favorite book?

2. Favorite vacation spot?

3. Best childhood memory?

4. Best piece of advice?

5. What qualities are important to you in a friend?

6. Describe your happy place.

7. What is the one meal or food that is worth going "off" for?

8. Describe your style? What do you think it says about you?

9. Do you prefer small town life or city life?

10. Which Saint do you identify with the most and why?

11. Share a great healthy recipe or product.

I don't know how to tag but here it goes:

Jen @http://jumpinginpuddlesisfun.blogspot.com/

Katie @http://projectpurposefulliving.blogspot.com/

Martha @http://shinyhappycatholics.blogspot.com/

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it

I came across this picture during my second surgery in Omaha. It's so true and something I needed to remind myself of today. During the last six years of infertility all I have done is prayed for God to guide me and if it is in His will for me to have children to lead to me to whatever I need to do to get there. It's been a long journey that is still not over. I sometimes get through harder days by repeating over and over "I trust you, God, be with me and give me the grace to get through this and if possible with a smile on my face". I truly feel that God has been guiding my path to having children and I don't know if you believe in signs but I feel Him talking to me and giving me signs of His presence everywhere. I believe that I would not have found Dr. Hilgers in Omaha if it wasn't for God. I felt His presence and love all around me while I was there for the big second surgery. I met amazing people that showed me so much love and my friends back home were showing much love and support and offering their prayers...I even woke up from surgery with a rosary taped to my hand...so my Blessed Mother was with me during the surgery. Therefore, since I know God brought me to all this...I know that He will bring me through it. Some days I feel overwhelmed by the amount of medications and vitamins I have to take. Sometimes I look at the five scars from the surgery and it reminds me of that scary time. Yesterday, I became extremely sick to my stomach with horrible pain from the antibiotics the doctor prescribed me for every cycle. I was literally up most of the night. That medication does make me sick regularly but last night was to another extreme. It makes me question internally what I'm doing and why it's hard. I question when will it end. And then somehow God reminds me. This morning I came across the above picture looking through my iPad photos and it spoke to me. God brought me to it and He will see me through it. He knows better than I know (at this point I called the doctor and told me to stop taking the antibiotics this month to give my stomach a break and try again next cycle...so here's hoping its better by then). Now, I try to live my days without complaining and instead praying but for the purpose of this blog I decided to speak about it. I try to be pleasant to be around and handle my struggles with grace...you only get one life and I don't want to live it being a drag. I want to enjoy myself and allow the virtues of faith, hope, and love to give me the grace to get through all the harder times. I truly believe that God gives us the tools to see us through it by offering those virtues to us and as I said before I'm grateful for the infertility and how it's changed me. But life is hard sometimes and for me just remembering that God will see me through it is comforting and if I look back I can see so many times He has heard my cry and somehow brought me back to a good place as He did yesterday. I had another experience with Him during adorarion on Sunday. The day before I was frustrated that I started another cycle. I had really thought it was going to happen this month and was even a few days late! So anyways,  I was trying to get to the church to practice and my friend that brought me to church said "oh just take a few minutes to say hey to Jesus" and really? Who can pass that up? Hehe...so I went and for the first time I felt Him talking to me. I was praying very negatively...typical " why? I don't understand...blah blah blah". Out of nowhere I felt like He stopped me and my thoughts shifted to "trying to make sense of it isn't important...what's important is that He will never abandon me". On top of that the readings and homily during Mass after that were about that same idea! Totally changed my perspective. Goes back to "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". I can really see it now...I can see how He gets me through it and reveals Himself to me in so many ways. 

21 Day Challenge

So yesterday I started my own 21 day challenge for eating right, exercising, and getting good habits in place spiritually...focusing on simplicity and peace. Why 21 days? Well I was listening to a fertility seminar and part of that seminar included a doctor that spoke about nutrition. The diet she suggested for fertility was very similar to the anti inflammation diet Dr. Hilgers told me would be best. She said that it takes 21 days to break old habits and stick with new ones. She said to get through 21 days straight of eating clean and after that it gets easier.  I'm planning on incorporating my cousin's "no thank you" method. When she was visiting me, anytime someone offered her something off her diet she would simply say "no thank you". I feel like I not only have to apply that to myself when others give me something off the diet but also with myself. When I'm tempted to go off or all of a sudden have a craving for junk, I need to tell MYSELF "no thank you...I don't want junk in my body." It's amazing to me how addicted I become to junk food. At this point I know how important it is to feed my body good clean foods..,hormone free, not processed. It's not only good for fertility but for making your body strong and able to heal itself from sickness better. So anyways, I haven't done 21 days straight yet. I've been on the diet throughout the summer on and off (mostly because of vacations) and its time for me to get healthy and get my body ready to hopefully one day nurture in a baby in my womb. I truly feel like this is going to be a crucial part of our increasing our fertility. As an added bonus putting my energy on preparing for a baby and gettin healthy takes my focus away from the fact that it hasn't happened yet. I truly feel like my purpose is to be a stay at home mom and an excellent wife to my hubby so instead of focusing on being depressed that my purpose has not been fulfilled, I'm going to focus on getting my body ready...spiritually and physically. My husband is already on board so it's time for me to stop finding excuses and start my life style change. 

So here's what I'm doing for 21 days: 

Prayer: continuing to make God my best friend and consult with Him on my choices. Living peacefully and simply knowing my best friend is also my Father in heaven and is taking care of me.

Wife: continue to be a good wife...work on not trying to take over acting like the husband and controlling everything. Be kind, gentle, humble and love my husband more than myself. 

Diet: cut out processed foods, no cow milk (unless in form of cheese), no gluten, no drinking from plastic bottles or using plastic Tupperware. No carbs at night...use only raw pure sugar at a minimum (only once a day have a piece of dark chocolate 71% cocoa). Most of the diet should be raw veggies and fruits (I don't eat fruits but I can handle the veggies).

Exercise: 30 mins of cardio and 30 mins to 1 hr of yoga or weights 

Moxa stick: I have also gone and done acupuncture for fertility and was told to heat the stick with herbs over my belly everyday and I have yet to get into that habit so I'm going to try to do that as well

Wish me luck! 

Alone time

So right now I'm in a beautiful resort in Orlando for my husband's work conference. No work, no worries, just lounging by the pool reading and evidently writing a blog. Just experiencing some good quality alone time while my husband is at the conference.

Here's my view:

Before I would have dreaded the alone time despite the fact that I'd be in a beautiful place with no where to be and not a worry in the world. Today I'm so incredibly grateful. I'm grateful to be in this amazing resort. I'm grateful that even though my hubby has a conference most of the day, I get to spend much more time with him out here than if we were both working at home. I'm just so grateful for every moment. I've been able to sit and reflect on my life from an outward perspective. I can be somewhere else and actually have time think and reenergize for the coming school year. Sometimes it's not a bad idea to step outside of your life in order to see where it can improved and if you are going in the right direction. I'm grateful for the alone time. 

On a different note, I was also able to go on a bike ride with my hubby earlier. This resort has so many activities included in the price you pay for the hotel. So we thought we'd give the bikes a try thinking it was just going to be a jogging path around the resort. It actually ended up being a 5 mile ride into some preserves and was just so beautiful. It reminds me of how happy I feel in nature. I love it. That is the one thing about living in southeast Florida is that it's basically a swamp. There's no natural fields or forests or hills. So nice to be able to experience that today. What a lovely surprise. 

There really are some good people in this world....

Lately, I've heard and frankly seen how our culture/society is heading towards a dark place. People are becoming selfish. There's this idea of having to always satisfy your emotions. For example, people have this idea that if there is ever a moment when a person at a moment is not happy in their marriage, they just go and get divorced. Immediate self gratification. Do I believe people should be happy? Of course! But I do believe that our emotions are constantly changing...our mood, hormones, even the weather can affect our emotions. I believe sometimes to truly be happy it takes an act of the will. Sometimes you have to just will it and work at it. I find that on the other side of willing it and putting work is a place of true happiness and peace. Anyways, I'm going off on a tangent. My point is people are moving away from true happiness...a lot of people are looking out for número uno. I've noticed you can't even trust doctors. People try to make a quick buck out of you. Even companies that make our food add hormones and toxins to the food to make the food last longer and cheaper to make. It so easy to see the negative in our world and miss the fact that there really are some genuinely good people as well. The more we appreciate and see those moments of God's love showing through others, the more it makes us feel like continuing to spread that love. Our actions can influence others and spread goodness. Where is this coming from? Well, I feel like ever since I began to change, I've been noticing these acts of kindness more and more where before I would have let those moments pass me by without a second thought. When I was in Omaha for my second surgery, David and I were invited into strangers' homes that have been through the same things and were shown so much love. From strangers that aren't strangers anymore. They visited me in the hospital and made me homemade soups. They offered so much support. I felt God was physically there for me throughout the entire trip through these people. These people had no reason to be so kind...the had no connections with me at all...that's God's grace. After receiving so much love I feel more like sharing that same love for others. It's a beautiful thing. How wasteful if I would have not seen the miraculous love and support I received and disregarded it. Even back home, I am so blessed to have people in my life that truly care...people that I can be myself around and not be judged...people that respect others and that do things for me without expecting anything in return...they do it genuinely out of love. I spent the day with one those people yesterday! 

Every cycle on a certain day I have to get blood work done to send to Omaha to make sure the my hormones are balanced. Today I went back to do the blood work at the same place I had my blood series (blood draws every other day for a month) done. During that time I was so grateful that they allowed me to draw blood without processing it. I ended up getting to know the lab workers and joked around with them. They should be kindness and I felt compelled to return the kindness by making them homemade cookies for the staff for Christmas and they loved it. Well I went back today and after all those months they remembered me and were so kind and supportive (apparently I'm suppose to name my future baby after one of them lol) and just genuinely happy to see me. To me, that's good people. 

None of those people I mentioned in the above stories HAD to do any of that. It's nice to witness such kindness and to see that there really are some good people in this world. There are people that think outside of themselves. The point of this blog is 1. I just felt so inspired and feel like sharing some stories of kindness 2. To encourage you to spread that love to others. Your simple actions or even your very presence of genuine goodness CAN make a difference. Don't wait to feel in a good mood. Will it. Decide to be happy and spread God's love :)

Just pray

Sounds so easy "just pray". When things are going great, when you want to kill someone, when you're having a blah day, when one of your dreams come true, when you feel blah, etc.  But when done correctly it really works. Being in that constant communication with God, I've found, has made me a much better person. He becomes this intrical part of your life...like a best friend that you can call on day or night, who will never judge you, someone that already knows your deepest secrets and silly thoughts...so there's no point in keeping anything from Him because he already knows! You can just be yourself. Most importantly I've realized that He is the only entity in your life that loves perfectly. Nobody..not your husband, parents, family members, friends, dogs...can love you perfectly like God does. That was a powerful realization for me. For a long time I think I expected certain people, especially my husband and some would say their parents, to love me perfectly. The bottom line is they are not perfect and they will make mistakes or get off their path and that's ok...I make mistakes and get off my path or have bad days...we are all here to help each other on our pilgrimage through life and  take comfort that there is one that loves us perfectly and that is God. I feel like knowing that has made me much more patient, kind, gentle, and most importantly humble and forgiving as a human being in the way I treat others, especially those nearest and dearest. This is why it's so important to pray...to keep in communication with the one that loves us perfectly, to our best friend that gives us grace when we need it and always loves us. I love to say prayers of gratitude throughout the day...especially when things are NOT going my way. It really puts life in perspective at a moment when I'm weak. If I have a baby shower to go to or someone announces they are pregnant that I'm not too close too, I pray for God to give me the grace to get through those moments and to place me back into a positive, hopeful place...I gotta get back on track because I can easily sink myself into a "why them and not me...all I yearn for is to have my children..what is my purpose in life if not to have kids..." And that can go on and on. I don't want to be there...it doesn't serve me. I want to be in a place of trust, hope, and peace. The bottom line is I want to be happy for others...I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. But the hurt that it hasn't happen for us is still there and the only thing I've found that truly gives me peace to just to stop and pray. God will give me what I NEED not WANT to get though those moment. I'm a much happier person now and it shows when I forget to pray and start to drift I start to feel more and more negative emotions. 

I've also struggled over the years with keeping God at the center of my marriage. The intention has always been there but I hadn't figured it out really and truly until recently. It goes along with what I was saying in the previous paragraph. In my mind now I make an intimate part of my life by thinking of Him as a best friend. It works the same in a marriage..He is literally another person in our marriage. He is the core of marriage now and unites us. We not only make decisions about our lives between the two of us but now we actually will ask God through prayer...any choice we have to make we run it by God first and ask Him to let us know in our hearts what we should do. If one of us is being out of line with the other we tell them to basically take a time out and talk to God who is the other person in our marriage and ask Him for His opinion. We pray before or after we are intimate, when we have a hard day at work we pray before we talk to the other person. God is not just a prayer before bed...now He is literally becoming part of our marriage. Maybe it sounds cray cray but it has brought our marriage to a whole new level of peace and happiness that we never knew existed. 

So bottom line here...just pray.

You're never "done"

Here's my disclaimer: I treat my blog like a journal. I don't think too much about grammar, sometimes I type fast on the iPad and it autocorrects wrong, run on sentences, typos...the works. I will definitely try to do my best but my objective with this blog is to share my thoughts and my journey through life...to simply be me.

So I haven't written any more blog since May because I didn't think people would be interested. I started writing in a journal on my iPad instead, however I feel inspired to start up again. So here it is...

 I feel that I have grown so much over the last couple of years and I'm not done growing. You are never "done" growing and learning...that's probably one of the first "secrets" to life that I have learned. Being complacent with where you are in your spiritual and emotional growth is when a person stops becoming the best they can be...we should always humble ourselves in realizing that we will never be perfect in this life...this life is a pilgrimage to heaven...it is a constant growing experience. For example, have you ever heard people say this to or about their spouse or something to this extent? "I don't know how this is possible but I feel like I love you deeper today than yesterday but yesterday I felt liked I loved you at the deepest level". That's how I, personally, began to understand the concept of always learning and growing...you always be better than yesterday and grow deeper especially when it comes to my relationship with God. I'm so grateful now in my life for everything good and bad. I'm even grateful for the struggle of trying to having children. This experience, though probably THE hardest trial of my life, has led me to grow in faith, to work on myself, to find peace, and to be ok with not always being in control. Its like...you hear people say these expressions of being peaceful and letting go of control, etc, but it never sank in or possibly I never truly understood those concepts until I had to deal with this ordeal of trying to have a baby. I've been through stages throughout these 6 years. I've bumped my head against the wall many times...I've been depressed, angry, I pulled away from God, I allowed myself fall apart every time my period arrived, I felt like a failure...like my body was failing me...I would try to do everything possible and do everything right but it wouldn't happen and then see people that get pregnant like nothing. Every one of those stages was a bump...sometimes a huge hump or even a mountain to cross over during my journey but like I said I'm so grateful now because at some point during those 6 years I started to pray. I just said I'll try it and my prayer was literally "God, please let me get pregnant". That's it. But I didn't know it then but that selfish prayer was the tiny opening that God needed to work in me. Whether I knew it or not I was letting Him in and little by little my prayers started to change, I was praying more often, I started making friends with people that helped me grow more in faith because I was open and wanting to learn more and grow more. It's been that way ever since...one revelation has led to another. I still haven't gotten pregnant but there's a peace within me now. I know that God is taking care of me. I know that He knows better and I know that He has been at work with my petition ever since the first time I prayed "God, please let me get pregnant". As I said in a previous post, He has led me to good Catholic people that have supported us through this time of waiting and struggle. He led us to good Catholic doctors in Omaha, NE that have found and fixed many physical issues that have been in the way. It hasn't been an easy road with surgeries, blood tests, and medications that make me feel sick; but I go through it and pray through the tough times knowing that God knows better than I know. I've become a different person with different ideals about life. I now aim to keep God first and surrender my hopes and dreams to Him, I don't aim to be a career woman but to be a good wife to my husband now and hopefully one day a stay at home mom. I want peace, humility, and simplicity in my life. I've been able to work through how to deal with my family which was hard for me before. What beautiful gifts and perspective to gain from not being able to conceive.  If I were to get pregnant right now I would be a completely different parent than what I would have been if I would have gotten pregnant 6 years ago...even 3 years ago. I'm all over attachment parenting now..lol! 

Part of growing and learning is figuring out that you're never done and though I feel like I have turned a very important corner in my life, I feel like its only beginning. I have now been reading so many books to gain more insight and knowledge. For example, I got married 7 years ago. I grew up in a home that didn't set a very good example for marriage and family life. I knew I wanted to be different and learned basically what I didn't want to do, but now I'm realizing that I need to learn how to have the marriage that God teaches us about. What is the right way or at least a better way? I don't think David and I did too bad but we didn't know how amazing it really could be until we started to read and learn and open our hearts to what it could be. I want to do the same with parenting. When I get pregnant one day, I already have tons of books on my amazon wish list that I want to read about to make sure I learn to be the parent I want to be. 

Proverbs 31 wife

I started off my day with prayer and concentrating on putting into action what Ephesians and proverbs say about being a wife. I'm taking care of the household and following my husband's lead. Instead of constantly arguing with him and waiting for him to do his part...I decided to take a different approach. I'm going to concentrate on doing my part regardless of his behavior. We can only change ourselves right? Well...today it has made me a much happier person and much better wife. I feel productive...i prepared food for my husband for the week, defrosted dinner, did the laundry and picked up the house as well as did my exercise to maintain my health. I've been talking nicely to My husband...sweet and with respect. I got the reaction from him that he was pleased and happy. He didn't want to hang up on thebphone with me today because he said he enjoyed talking to me. I'm hoping this change in me will help him take responsibility for his role as head of this house. It seems old fashion that whole concept of husband as the head of the house and wife having to be submissive. But the Bible says it best...it illustrates what God's idea of marriage what should be like. The wife shod be submissive to the husband and God and the husband needs to be submissive to God and love his wife as Christ loves His church. It's a beautiful concept and what a happy and fulfilling marriage that would be. I've decided to do my part and let the rest fall into place. Embrace my role as a wife and hopefully one day role as a mother. The role that God has given me.  Our purpose in life is a pilgrimage to find God and holiness. In a marriage, we are suppose to help each other get to heaven.

Let go and let God

I believe that "Let go and let God" has been told to me throughout my entire life and while I thought I knew the meaning of that phrase, I never knew what it meant to truly live by it until recently. Even now with eyes wider opened...I am overwhelmed by the true nature of what letting go and letting God is all about. I understand the enormity of it and I feel further away from truly living that phrase than ever before. I guess that's why I hear the most pious people in this world are the ones that are most humble and constantly growing and changing. I'm definitely at the beginning of my journey with my faith and letting go and trusting God with my whole heart. A part of knows that I will never get "there" but I can with God's grace spend my whole life trying to get close as I humanly can. I feel that the moment I stop and think that I'm ok where I'm at...I'm a good person and that's enough...that's the moment when I start to grow apart from God. I was at that place for a while until life's struggles started to turn that around. I think I'm at the point where I've realized that I'm not perfect, accepted my faults, asked for God's mercy, and have the desire to turn my life around and give Him the control. His Will be done! Turning it into action is now hard work but worth every effort. I wake up each morning and pray and by the next morning I find myself starting over and trying again. It's hard for a control freak to relinquish control. However, I know it's worth it because there have been moments that I feel God's grace working in me and those are the moments I feel happiest and liberated.

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost 6 years. It's been a long hard road but thankful that I can offer up this suffering to God. We've had our ups and downs. Watching everyone around us get pregnant has been so difficult and wondering why is just torture. Somehow throughout these 6 years we've developed a deep and growing relationship with God. A relationship I thought I would never have. I'm thankful for this cross in our life because of the deep relationship I've been able to develop with my God. Our journey with infertility has miraculously led us to Pope Paul VI institute where I will be having another surgery in two weeks to remove endometriosis found in a previous surgery. I find myself at this point with a struggle to not let fear and nervousness of the upcoming surgery take over. I feel that I have to let go of the fear and about worrying about the future because God is in control and He's led me to where I am. While I don't understand all the suffering and why all the surgeries and traveling down the road less taken (road frequently taken with infertility is IVF), I feel I need to let go and let God's will be done. He knows better than I know and I have to trust Him. I need to let go of the past and not worry about the future or what is to come because I want to follow God's path. That's where I want to be. So in the meantime I'm on my journey through life....choosing to let God take charge, constantly growing, trying to be humble and pure at heart, trying to incorporate the virtues of faith, hope, and love. This blog is about my daily life,life experiences, ups and downs...my never ending life journey to living life with God as the center.