Still no sleep

I've had a rough couple days of no sleep. I'm not exactly sure why I'm so anxious. I have so much to be thankful for. My marriage is doing much better, I have great people in my life, and I have a job I like and a roof over my head, food to eat, etc. So what's bugging me? I know I've been struggling with feeling God close to me. I've realized that I haven't established a personal relationship with Him. I've been reading and learning and I understand about having faith, hope, and love and what it means but have I been putting it into practice? I want God to be my best friend, my father. I want a mutual relationship. I want to live my life according to His will. But I think so far I've done it on my terms and I have not allowed the Holy Spirit to move and work in me. It takes letting go and allowing myself to guided through prayer. I have to will myself to drop everything and follow my Heavenly Father, but I have to be able to let go of control and allow God to be God for me. Control is something hard for me to let go of. Having control is how I have gotten through life. I grew up in a home where I couldn't trust the people who were suppose to love me most and I got through it by maintaining control of my life. Taking care of myself and not 100% relying on people or God. I think I need to read more from God's word (the bible), and start with baby steps. First step is realizing that God's love is perfect and is the only love that will never let me down. I know I've realized that already, however, I need to believe it with my whole heart. I've been working on changing my negative thoughts to biblical thoughts. I've already seen a huge change in me. My mindset has changed to the point that materialistic things don't bother me anymore. Things of this world don't even bother me. If I lose my job or we have to sell our house or whatever it is that is going wrong I know that God is with me and will give me what I need to get through all those situations. One way or another they work out. That is already a huge change for me and a lot of peace in my heart as a result. But have I trusted God with my heart? Have I truly given my life and heart to Him? I'm working on it but I would be dishonest if I said my past has not influenced a lack of trust. It's time to let go of all of it because I can trust God. Even when I don't feel him near, He is always with me. 

Besides that, I have no idea what is causing my anxiety...I feel that I need to just live life from a place of hope and being ok with feeling discomfort knowing that God will not abandon me and He sees what I don't see. 

My friend sent me an email today from one of her devotionals where some of the info made sense to me:

“Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him.” (Psalm 37:7a GW)

One of the reasons people struggle with contentment is because we’re always looking for explanations for why things happen in our lives. God doesn’t tell us why most of the things happen in our lives, and that just ticks us off. Why doesn’t God tell you why everything happens in your life?

Because he’s testing you. He’s testing you to see if you will let go of control and learn to be content, whether he explains it or not.

God doesn’t owe you an explanation for anything, and you wouldn’t understand it even if he gave it.

But even if you did get an explanation, it still wouldn’t take away the pain. You’re not going to know why most things happen until you get on the other side of death.

God isn’t going to give you an explanation. But he will test you.

I remember when I was a little kid that the only time our classroom in school was quiet was during a test. The teacher would say, “No talking! Take your pencils, and fill out your tests.” Even the teacher would be silent.

When God is silent in your life, you’re going through a test. When you don’t hear God and he feels like a million miles away, that is a test! The teacher is always silent when the students take a test. When God is silent in your life, your faith is being tested. Will you let go of control, or will you grab on more tightly? Will you learn to be content?

When you’re going through pain this next week or next month or this year, you don’t really need God’s explanation. You need God’s presence.

“Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him” (Psalm 37:7a GW).

Talk It Over

What are you angry with God about that you don’t want to admit?

In what way is God testing you right now? How will you respond?