Last night

So I had an amazing weekend. I got to do what I love to do...sing and not just sing anywhere but sing at my favorite place...church. I got to stay with a great friend and have some amazing conversations, I ran a mile and a half for the first time since my surgeries (to think I used to run half marathons) which reminds me how awesome it is to have support. The most I've been able to run is a mile straight and that was only during times that I had a lot on my mind. But running with a friend and having that motivation and support helped me exceed my goal of running a half mile and pushed me to new limits. I think today is going to have to be a yoga day on my ipad  for exercise because last night I just couldn't sleep. I'm exhausted. I did actually fall asleep around 5am so that's actually a good thing. A few years ago I used to have major problems with anxiety (especially at night) and I just wouldn't be able to sleep. I get this feeling in my stomach and no matter how tired I am that little anxiety feeling in my stomach does not let me sleep. It is so frustrating and then I get so disappointed with myself that I allowed myself to get so anxious. I start to feel like I'm moving backwards. I've come so far with dealing with my issues and when this happens I feel like such a failure. Usually I can just pray myself to sleep. I'll tell myself to not worry about tomorrow or the future that it will take of itself. I thought my trust in God was better than what I displayed last night. It reminded me of some of the conversations I had with my friend this past weekend. When I'm anxious, it's usually a result of some type of fear or lack of control. Sometimes I do find it harder some days than others to not worry and have all the answers to life. I want to have that peace from truly being able to leave myself in God's hands. Trust in His perfect love for me. Trust that what He's told me is true...that He will never abandon me; don't try to make sense of things right now...just know that He will never abandon me. Sometimes I let my thoughts take control of me and last night I felt that finding my way back to sleep was very difficult. I felt like I wanted answers from God and I wanted to be able to place things in perfect order in my head...I wanted control. I wanted to how, when, why. I honestly think that my biggest problem is that I try to control the faith that I have instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to move within me. I have to not think so much and let go of the control. I grow and take my greatest strides when I let go and not worry about how I'm going to get there...just peace knowing the Holy Spirit will guide me there. The only way I was able to get myself to sleep was to constantly pray to God "I don't know how to fix this...give me the grace to stop feeling anxious and get through this night...help me still my mind and find rest in you". I would pray that and the feeling in my tummy would go away and maybe a couple minutes later return and had to pray that all over again. I finally did get to sleep but it took me praying that over and over for a long time. So what have I learned? That I need to be gentle with myself. That I don't need to know all the answers or how I'm going to get to that place of peace I want to be. I'm human and I get anxiety sometimes. If I look back I can already see so much growth that has taken place and I have no idea how I got here but I know I have to keep on going and when I fall just get back up again and keep going. When I really think about it, I can find good in every aspect of my life. I'm so blessed. I have so much goodness in my life and gifts from God which makes it easier to get back up again and keep going. I'm still somewhat anxious but I'm hoping if I let go and allow the Holy Spirit to guide me, that it will start to fade.