As I sit by the Christmas tree typing this post I wonder. Wonder about a Christmas with children filled with so much joy and laughter. I wonder about when it will happen or if it will happen...how many more Christmases will go by without Santa coming to our house? It's no secret that this is my favorite time of year. I love decorating my house, planning holiday performances for my students, hot chocolate and cookies (although year gluten free and I warm up dark chocolate almond milk for the hot chocolate lol), cooler weather, and preparing for the birth of Chirst...starting a new year. So many wonderful things to be excited about. But for some reason this season also serves as a reminder of all the years we'd hope we would have a child to share it all with. It's astounding to me how many years have gone by like this. When I think about it though, I really do try to remember the part of Christmas that represents hope for us Christians. There are times when I feel so spirit filled and I don't care about what is happening in my life because I know Jesus is walking along side me through it all and all I pray for is to help me do His will...fulfill the purpose He has for my life. So I have these strong faith based feelings but then during certain times I revert back to the sad feelings. I guess that's part of being human, right? These conflicting feelings inside really had me confused...for example, am I being fake to myself when I think I'm trusting in God because obviously I still have strong feelings and an emptiness when it comes to having children? I spoke to a priest about this and what he said really made sense to me. He said you know you've worked through something or completely trust God
when you feel 100% joy and peace about your situations and life because your hope and faith is in Him...you know that He knows better and true happiness in life is surrendering it to Him. Wow! That's what the saints do. Clearly I have a lot of work to do. We all do. I'm not at that point yet...not at 100%. I am grateful for the spirit filled moments where I experience that kind of joy and peace but there are definitely moments (like certain points during Advent and Christmas) when my frustrated and sad feelings come out. My goal right now is to continue to work towards one day being with God in heaven...having more moments of true peace and joy and less of the frustrated ones. I have to give myself time, probably a lifetime, to get to that 100%. I've fooled myself into believing that you have to be one way or the other...I would get upset with myself when I would lose some of that joy and peace. I'm definitely not at 100% so I have to be able to pray and ask God for help through the harder times and as I said before be grateful for the times that I do feel that peace and hopefully those moments will become more frequent. Well, I didn't think my post would take this direction but I'm glad I was able to put my thoughts somewhat together :)
On a lighter note, I had such a fun filled weekend! I accomplished so many physical activities that I've not been able to do since my surgeries such as running a race, a 19 mile bike ride through downtown Miami, and running what Miami people call Goliath (aka the Rickenbacker Causeway). The last one (Goliath) I actually had never done even before the surgery. It was a 6 mile run and about a mile of it is up and down the highest peak we have in this city. Although I don't think I lost any weight this weekend from all the eating we did, I feel so motivated again! Conquering these obstacles is such a metaphor for life. Besides the physical activities, I greatly enjoyed decorating the house (it looks so cosy and magical this time of year). We were also able to have a pretty sane thanksgiving with both sides of the family (no major drama). I really enjoyed the cooler weather we got on Thursday...we took the dogs to the park that day and it just so pleasant. We saw the movie, Frozen, which I really enjoyed (loved the song Let it Go...very symbolic for where I am in my life). I also got to see one of my students perform in a musical that I helped her audition for...I was so proud and she was just so happy to see me there...beautiful experience...made my heart melt. Later that night we had David's aunt's 60th birthday party. It was a formal affair so it was fun to get all nice and dressed up for it. We really don't get a lot of those opportunities for fancy parties lol! Then we ended the weekend with hot chocolate and cookies by the fireplace. Looking forward to the rest of the Christmas season...so many wonderful activities yet to come :)
