You're never "done"

Here's my disclaimer: I treat my blog like a journal. I don't think too much about grammar, sometimes I type fast on the iPad and it autocorrects wrong, run on sentences, typos...the works. I will definitely try to do my best but my objective with this blog is to share my thoughts and my journey through life...to simply be me.

So I haven't written any more blog since May because I didn't think people would be interested. I started writing in a journal on my iPad instead, however I feel inspired to start up again. So here it is...

 I feel that I have grown so much over the last couple of years and I'm not done growing. You are never "done" growing and learning...that's probably one of the first "secrets" to life that I have learned. Being complacent with where you are in your spiritual and emotional growth is when a person stops becoming the best they can be...we should always humble ourselves in realizing that we will never be perfect in this life...this life is a pilgrimage to heaven...it is a constant growing experience. For example, have you ever heard people say this to or about their spouse or something to this extent? "I don't know how this is possible but I feel like I love you deeper today than yesterday but yesterday I felt liked I loved you at the deepest level". That's how I, personally, began to understand the concept of always learning and growing...you always be better than yesterday and grow deeper especially when it comes to my relationship with God. I'm so grateful now in my life for everything good and bad. I'm even grateful for the struggle of trying to having children. This experience, though probably THE hardest trial of my life, has led me to grow in faith, to work on myself, to find peace, and to be ok with not always being in control. Its like...you hear people say these expressions of being peaceful and letting go of control, etc, but it never sank in or possibly I never truly understood those concepts until I had to deal with this ordeal of trying to have a baby. I've been through stages throughout these 6 years. I've bumped my head against the wall many times...I've been depressed, angry, I pulled away from God, I allowed myself fall apart every time my period arrived, I felt like a failure...like my body was failing me...I would try to do everything possible and do everything right but it wouldn't happen and then see people that get pregnant like nothing. Every one of those stages was a bump...sometimes a huge hump or even a mountain to cross over during my journey but like I said I'm so grateful now because at some point during those 6 years I started to pray. I just said I'll try it and my prayer was literally "God, please let me get pregnant". That's it. But I didn't know it then but that selfish prayer was the tiny opening that God needed to work in me. Whether I knew it or not I was letting Him in and little by little my prayers started to change, I was praying more often, I started making friends with people that helped me grow more in faith because I was open and wanting to learn more and grow more. It's been that way ever since...one revelation has led to another. I still haven't gotten pregnant but there's a peace within me now. I know that God is taking care of me. I know that He knows better and I know that He has been at work with my petition ever since the first time I prayed "God, please let me get pregnant". As I said in a previous post, He has led me to good Catholic people that have supported us through this time of waiting and struggle. He led us to good Catholic doctors in Omaha, NE that have found and fixed many physical issues that have been in the way. It hasn't been an easy road with surgeries, blood tests, and medications that make me feel sick; but I go through it and pray through the tough times knowing that God knows better than I know. I've become a different person with different ideals about life. I now aim to keep God first and surrender my hopes and dreams to Him, I don't aim to be a career woman but to be a good wife to my husband now and hopefully one day a stay at home mom. I want peace, humility, and simplicity in my life. I've been able to work through how to deal with my family which was hard for me before. What beautiful gifts and perspective to gain from not being able to conceive.  If I were to get pregnant right now I would be a completely different parent than what I would have been if I would have gotten pregnant 6 years ago...even 3 years ago. I'm all over attachment parenting now..lol! 

Part of growing and learning is figuring out that you're never done and though I feel like I have turned a very important corner in my life, I feel like its only beginning. I have now been reading so many books to gain more insight and knowledge. For example, I got married 7 years ago. I grew up in a home that didn't set a very good example for marriage and family life. I knew I wanted to be different and learned basically what I didn't want to do, but now I'm realizing that I need to learn how to have the marriage that God teaches us about. What is the right way or at least a better way? I don't think David and I did too bad but we didn't know how amazing it really could be until we started to read and learn and open our hearts to what it could be. I want to do the same with parenting. When I get pregnant one day, I already have tons of books on my amazon wish list that I want to read about to make sure I learn to be the parent I want to be.