Sometimes I feel like climbing to the highest mountain top I can find (I may have to leave Florida for that) and shouting to God "I'M READY!! What else do I have to go through for me to have a baby?!!" It's a daily struggle to turn to God and trust that He has my back. So I pray and tell Him to give me the grace to get through this day. Instantly I start feeling blessed and grateful. I think about the fact that He and our Blessed Mother brought my husband and I together, that God blessed us with our first child. She was an ectopic but the pressure is off. To most people it would seem like my family is a family of 2 but in reality we are a family of 6 including our doggies. There's God, David, me, Adrienne, and my pups. Life goes by in a flash but one day (hopefully a long while from now) we will all be together in heaven as a family. I have a family and I hope that it only continues to grow because I want a big family and I hope that I can have children with me in this world as well. There's a sense of peace knowing that Adrienne is a saint a heaven with our Heavenly Father...isn't that where we all want to be one day? There's a peace knowing that she didn't have to suffer in this world. I would have done anything to have her with me right now but that's not my choice. Now more than ever I've come to the realization that God has a purpose for us. As long as I'm alive there is a purpose for me. I can lose everything and everyone in my life but as long as I'm alive God has a purpose and will for me. We also have free will so we have a choice to follow God's will or reject it. We are all made in the image and likeness of God...all of us...and we all have choices in life. I've also realized recently there is evil in this world and it's important to not live in denial about that. Evil wants to push us away from God. I believe that if God literally brought my husband and I together that there must be a godly purpose for us. Evil wants us apart...evil is creating obstacles. But what evil doesn't seem to understand is that the more we conquer those trials and obstacles the stronger we get and the closer to God we become. It's not easy and sometimes we do fall but when surpass our trials we grow closer to God and grow as human beings. We learn. God has a purpose for us. I'm not sure what it is...it could be something simple in our eyes or it could be something huge. Maybe if it is revealed later that we are meant to children that those children have a significant purpose? I don't know yet what it is but I do know that Jesus told me not to try to make sense of things...just know that He's always with me and not going to abandon me. I know that I can say that some of my greatest trials in life have also been some of my greatest gifts. I've said this before but I would be a very different person right now if I would have gotten pregnant 6 years ago. I've grown so much and I have a much deeper faith that will hopefully continue to grow. I do feel stuck right now in my life and it's a daily struggle to let go that void in my heart and give to God. Sometimes my prayers are profound and I feel so spiritual and sometimes I have blah moments where I complain and ask God how much longer, what else do I have to do, I feel like my life is on pause...waiting.... and that's when it all comes full circle and I have to pray for grace to get through.
I think sometimes we have to learn to live our lives with the discomfort instead of hiding it or pushing it aside. It is a discomfort for me to go month after month again without getting pregnant. Taking tons of medications, getting sick, watching so many people having families, and then my period comes (one of the most consistent things in my life...never ceases to come). I don't know when or how this will all turn out and I have little control of when and if I do get pregnant one day so this is a discomfort in my life that I have to be ok with living with for now. I have to trust that God is with me and continue to live my life with that discomfort and feel that it's ok. It's ok. Remind myself of so many blessings in my life and be ok. On a smaller scale it's just like losing weight...for some odd reason after each surgery I gained 10 pounds and can't lose them for the life of me. It's frustrating and I feel uncomfortable with the way I look and feel but I'm trying my best to be healthy and I have to be ok with that discomfort for now until the weight starts to come off.
I have no idea if this made sense to anyone. But these are my thoughts and sometimes we have random thoughts and those thoughts lead to other thoughts, etc. I'm sure there's something good in here even if it is random!
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